by Christine Mahorney
I know it’s difficult to believe, dear readers, but finding something new and fresh to write about weddings isn’t always easy. In search of idea nuggets, I often find myself on The Plunge (the website devoted to the male half of the betrothed couple). Their perspectives are unique, make me giggle, and they’re not afraid to use profanity when called for.
Clicking around, I found myself reading this letter they received from a reader asking their advice about a sticky situation: The bride has lots of guy friends, and thinks the groom should offer spaces on his side for some of them, since she so kindly offered a spot on her side to the groom’s sister.
To summarize, their response concluded with “..offer to include her friends in the ceremony…as ushers.” At face value, I agree with the boys’ response. Instead of sitting by as an innocent bystander idly watching your wedding party balloon into enough people to field two football teams, you can – and should - set a size limit and relegate roles like ushers, readers, and the like.
But beware the second sentence in that paragraph: “…As we’ve said elsewhere, ushers are the perfect bone to throw.” Right. Here’s the advice I’ll tack on to the answer. Be extremely careful when handing out those “lesser” roles.
Because, believe me, friends (and family) invited to be ushers…or readers, or the person who takes care of the guest book…will have that same gooshy feeling in their stomachs that we all did over not making the team / being invited to the dance / making the cut.
In the interest of space, I won’t re-tell the story here, but here’s the scenario that went down at my own brother’s wedding: He had 9 people on his side (2 of whom were the bride’s brothers). She had 8 on hers. I, my brother’s only sibling, was not invited to be in the party, but was gifted a reading role in the ceremony. Yeah, still bitter. And why? Because I knew it was “a bone.” (For the version of the story in all its dramatic glory, click here.)
Our other Pavilion persona, Blair, has a younger sister who’s getting married. Said younger sister recently invited Blair to participate in the wedding. As a reader. Blair’s response was “You want me to pay to fly to Virginia, buy a dress, use my vacation time…to be a reader???” And, with my past experience, unfortunately I couldn’t put on a good face and assure her that it was a duty in the ceremony chosen with love and awarded out of adoration.
So while I agree with the Plunge boys that you have to put a stop to the wedding party madness at some point and consider other options, do so with caution. Consider all the circumstances, and the relationships, before you make a decision.
One other personal story to end with: When my husband and I got married, we had six people in our party – three on each side. We hosted our wedding close to his hometown, so there were dozens of people who, no doubt, felt slighted about not being invited to the occasion. I, on the other hand, had trouble even scraping together my three…a lifetime of moving around the country left friends in various states who weren’t certain they could afford to travel to be in my wedding. In hindsight, I wish we would’ve opted not to have anyone stand with us.
It would’ve been much easier to explain to all of the guys that there are just too many of them, and too few of my girls, so in the interest of not hurting any feelings, no one’s being invited to the party – than to have to explain to the few who weren’t invited why they didn’t make the cut. (Again, even though that’s not how we viewed it, or what we intended, that’s how it was perceived, and perception is reality.)
Now that I’m older, wiser, and can share my 20/20 vision with you, my hope for you, dear brides, is that you’ll take the advice offered. It may be unconventional not to have a wedding party, but what’s tradition in the wake of broken friendships that won’t be mended in a lifetime?